Posted by: greercn | May 11, 2010

Furry Vengeance

There are films that bring shame into your life just because you admit you have seen them. “Furry Vengeance” is close to the top of my list of those.

Funnily enough, no turkeys are featured. Yet that is the taste that is left in the mouth. That, and a vague craving for cranberry, to lighten up the turkey. This movie is a Grade A turkey, with no trimmings. To call it tasteless would be to assume anyone connected with it had taste. They didn’t and don’t.

Brendan Fraser used to be cute.  What happened? Did his personal trainer – so much in evidence in “The Mummy” movies – give up, along with his critical judgement and his best friend’s advice? Did he not understand he was signing a suicide note for his career? Can I ever bear – yes, there are bears – to see anything he is in again without going pink from embarrassment for him? Probably not.

The plot is about a real estate development guy felling the forest, to build new houses. That guy is Dan, played by Brendan. The animals fight back. They aren’t cute enough to compensate for the rather feral people, none of whom seems to realise that the forest is the only good-looking thing here.

Brooke Shields plays Tammy, wife to Dan. Presumably, she was paid enough to be here. Matt Prokop plays son Tyler. Both have made some good movies, really. This just isn’t one of them.

I loathed it and longed for an emergency to take me out of there. I learned all the remaining functions I had never understood on my mobile phone. I sent 33 texts and received 18. Two of those received texts included funny jokes, reviving my flagging will to live.

Roger Kumble has made some wonderful and quirky movies, including “Cruel Intentions” and “The Sweetest Thing”. Michael Carnes and Josh Gilbert are both credited as “writers” but, on the strength of this, they were on powerful drugs. Sadly, I wasn’t.

Brendan gets sprayed and hit a lot. Animals conspire to hurt him. You LONG for them to kill him long before the 90 minutes are over. Each minute feels like about 100 minutes. You swear your watch has stopped working. Ken Jeong and Ricky Garcia provide relief, but this is fleeting.

Is this the worst movie I have ever seen? I shall have to think about it. I have seen some real clunkers. I almost didn’t blog about it, to end my suffering sooner rather than later. But I made a friend laugh on the phone when I was describing it. And I have suffered, so consider yourself to have had a narrow escape and please – please – don’t see this.

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