Posted by: greercn | August 20, 2012

The Expendables 2

Here are things I have learned from watching American action TV and movies:

Each bullet a good guy has is the same as 150 bad guy bullets.

You can take out a helicopter with a motorcycle or car if you aim right. If you are Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis, you can do this with a water pistol.

Clothes in movies stay perfectly clean and pressed, even after gun battles and mud baths.

The least known star will die first. In Star Trek, this is called Red Uniform Syndrome.

Europe is a backward place, with too few weapons.

Bad guys are Europeans and have funny accents. Unless they are called Arnold. Then, they are a good guy and potential presidents.

Women can handle weapons and fights as well as guys. Unless they are from Europe. Then, they have to wait at home for the good guys to save them.

Bulgaria, Albania, France, England – it’s all the same, with funny signs and airports that blow up very easily. That’s okay if you are a good guy but must be stopped if you are a bad guy.

All bombs can be defused by anyone, before the timer gets to zero. Always.

Bad guys kill and smoke and wear black. So do good guys. But good guys only smoke expensive cigars when they are celebrating.

When surrounded, you only need 10 good guys to beat an army.

Plutonium is bad. Really seriously bad. Kids, never play with it at home.

If you are a Hollywood action star and creaky, your stunt double can still make you look good.

Bad guys always die horribly. Good guys don’t die, except to justify killing all the bad guys, later.

Shooting at a car always makes it catch fire and blow up. This takes a very, very long time. Ditto helicopters and tanks and any vehicle.

If you are a good guy landing a plane in a small place, everyone on board will survive, even if bits of the plane fall off and catch fire.

Okay, now I have spoiled the plot for you. But if you liked “The Expendables”, you’ll love this. Terry Crews is my favourite – why doesn’t he have a bigger career – but Arnie and Sly and Bruce Willis and Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren and Chuck Norris and Jet Li and Nan Yu as the token girl? And Jason Statham?

You’re not here for nuanced plotting and performance. You’re here for director Simon West’s big action scene after big action scene. And for the cute lines. And to see all these stars having fun in a very 1980s retro romp. You either love the genre or you hate it.

Rumour is that Sean Connery has signed up for “The Expendables 3”.

Yes, reader, it was me and about 100 teenage boys at the Stratford Picturehouse. I loved it, but then I got to see what I expected and enjoyed the ride.

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Responses

  1. I hear Nic Cage has signed up for 3… *excited Wookiee*

    • Glad you enjoyed the movie! Clearly, Nic Cage and cheese are the real answer to life, the universe and everything.

  2. Do you need to have seen the first to appreciate the second ? This and Batman are next up on my cinema trips.

    • No, you can see Expendables 2 without the “benefit” of the first one. It’s fun, with or without the first. Really admiring your exploits and blog!


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