Posted by: greercn | August 26, 2013

Top Ten Movie Lessons from Summer 2013

1) In the future, we are all doomed. Being doomed will make us live in really awful housing. If we are lucky enough to get to another planet and if we are bad guys (clue: British accents) we may live in luxury. But this will be at the expense of starving and very sick billions on earth.

2) Very poor good guys will save the day, occasionally. They will (probably) speak Spanish, have a variety of exotic tattoos and piercings and will wear their hair in an extraordinary set of styles. Or they may be bald.

3) Women can fight just as well as men, but they must be criminally pretty and wear very high heels. Skintight clothing does not slow them down. Their hair obeys them and does not move at all. Heroines must be very sarcastic, single and childless.

4) Robots are not our friends. Like a lot of bizarre creatures from other planets, they want us removed from the earth. They want to do this slowly, with maximum bloodshed and terror. We fight them by adding metal to our clothing, which gives us additional powers and does not slow us down. These modern suits of armour come in a variety of textures and styles, but channel Goth and Punk styles.

5) Buildings, cars and people spontaneously combust without the slightest provocation. Big explosions, fires and CGI effects rule. Even in romcoms.

6) All children are cute. Hardly any have two parents. Most are orphans.

7) Nobody ever uses a toilet or bathroom. Occasionally, very cute people have showers, usually with somebody else who is also rather good-looking.

8) All police cars must be destroyed during an action film. Even a small scooter can destroy a police car, if the hero is driving.

9) Nobody has a pet, in the future.

10) It is much better to stay in the present than to live a hundred years from now. Cancel that order for the time machine.

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