I watch way too many movies. I like the cinema experience much more than watching DVDs – although please keep sending me the DVDs – but it does get a little wearing dealing with rudeness in those others who buy the movie tickets.
Here is a list of my top 5 bugbears. It’s light-hearted (mostly) and may contain nuts and flakes.
Feel free to comment and add your own pet peeves.
1) Noisy Eaters: It’s 8.30pm. They had supper, surely? Yet there they are, right next to you, crunching on their popcorn more noisily than anyone else in the world, ever. Each piece provides an atomic explosion of a noise. Every sip of the extra large drink requires slurping, with volume. Hot dogs drip mustard down their seats. They don’t notice as they are too busy eating the huge tray of snacks that they brought in with them. The volume! The smells! And just when you think they’ve finished, they pull out the crunchy candies. And if you kill them, you’ll be arrested?
2) The Chatty Brigade: They spent a lot of money buying these tickets, yet they are determined to sit right in front of you, in an empty cinema, and chat about the most intimate and personal details, in loud voices. Everything I know about sexually-transmitted diseases, I learned from them. They discuss intimate secrets, loudly and shamelessly. Why oh why do they buy tickets when they just want a good conversation with each other? And you can’t hit them? Where is the justice in that?
3) The Big Hair/Hat People: I love an Afro. Being afflicted with a mass of fine hair, I value thick hair. And hats are really wonderful and can add confidence to a bad hair day. But my spirits sink when one of these little darlings sits in front of me. They take out 30% of the screen. And then, they play with their hair/hat, taking out another 20% of the big scene that leaves others gasping but I missed it. I was too busy watching hair play.
4) Fidget City: They sit, then they start doing calisthenics in their seat. One leg stretches WAY up, then it folds over the other leg. Hands reach out to the side then scratch their backs, in a leisurely way. Basically, their limbs go solo and they spend the film waving them around at weird angles. You want to scream “sit still”, but you fear you will sound like a demented teacher. They occupy three seats, yet they need the same equivalent of the airspace above them.
5) Movie Geeks: They arrive wearing the t-shirt of the movie you’re watching and they use the first name of everyone who made the movie. They need two seats: one for them one for their egos. They may expand to another for their movie mugs, t-shirts signed posters and Big Bags. Okay, I may just be jealous of how many important people they know, but must they rub my nose in it?
Phew. I feel much better for writing this down. If you want to be a perfect watcher, understand that:
a) Sit still.
b) Chat through the advertisements, but not the trailers and PLEASE not during the film.
c) Credits are sacred, if you are writing a review. Can’t you exit from the other side of me?
d) If you are sneezing and coughing, please leave the cinema. Yes, you are disturbing everyone else.
e) Ensure that small children do not run everywhere. Or scream. Or yell. Many kids behave beautifully at the cinema and these are treasures and well brought up. But so many spoil the experience for others. Bring them back when they are older.